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It’s a bit of a running joke on Twitter that each time I say “fuck” my blog’s traffic has a small spike. Beyond that, ignoring the vulgarity, fuck is a surprisingly expressive word. You can load it down with any kind of nuance and reflection and then interject it into almost any kind of conversation:
“How are you today?”
So yeah? My day? Fuck. Up until 5am yesterday morning. Slept until 9am this morning. Job interview and work trial from 11-12 (went great). Handed out resumes around town after that. Came home, tormented Ella and was in bed and asleep by 5pm. Slept until about 11. Showered and came down to 091 Labs by about midnight. Played some World of Warcraft, worked on seven panoramas and began uploading them to Dropbox for work at home. Currently stitching another three.
I’m really topsy-turvy right now, with my Circadian rhythms turned all back and around. I’m sleeping from late night (early morning?) through to mid-afternoon, or sleeping until mid-morning and then crashing and crashing hard in the middle of the evening. It’s really an unhappy situation because I’m always tired and prone to just nodding off at eldritch hours. If this is the worst I have to suffer for being on the mend from depression, so be it, but I won’t admit to any enjoyment of it.
In other news, Garrett turns one in just under three weeks. My son’s first birthday, which I will miss.
I have absolutely no regrets about leaving Mariah. None. My conscience is clear on this: I was so utterly miserable in the situation of living with her family, and our fights were becoming so regular and embittered and violent that I know if I had stayed one or the other of us would be dead now. What I regret is leaving the children. When I talk to Caira on the phone or webcam, the raw strength of her love and hurt tears me in two. She loves me, she misses me and she simply doesn’t understand why I can’t home home. My first interaction with Garrett was from the other side of a planet, through a webcam. Having to miss those firsts (and fourths, with Caira) are what I bitterly regret each and every day.