[nerd rage] Neteller!

posted in me with 0 comments

I got this in my inbox today:

Dear Mark,

Your NETELLER account has a negative balance of 25.89 EUR and is being assigned to our Collections team for resolution.

Please make arrangements for the prompt repayment of your outstanding balance. You can email collections@neteller.com for information on available payment options in your region.

We appreciate your attention to this matter.

The NETELLER Payment Network

In return I shot them this little piece of nerd rage:

No.

Just…no. Really, no.

I haven’t had any effective use of my NETELLER account since around April 15 2011. On that date, NETELLER abruptly began declining my Maestro card when I attempted to make deposits (last four digits XXXX, expires XX/20XX, CVC XXX). The error? Error. Literally. Top of the entry form. A tidy little error message saying I entered the details incorrectly. And the related email explaining the declined transaction is completely worthless; “high volume of declined card transactions for online gaming” indeed! I don’t gamble. I actually receive that email for any failed deposit attempt. Ass-covering script, I guess?

Okay, so where was I? Ah! My Maestro card. Didn’t work. I was able to use a relative’s Mastercard to top up my NETELLER account, but that was strictly a temporary workaround, and I’m diverging from the rant at hand. Let’s move on!

I opened a support ticket about this issue. Nothing. Zip. It went into a black hole. I opened another three days later. And another after that (and after that again), for a total of four tickets. The complete lack of response made me a truly sad panda. Then I got that awesome mid-May email informing that, with great regret, due to a service provider issue no opened support ticket received before that day had been read or would be replied to. That sucks. Really. I was kinda an annoyed panda at that point, between you and I, but I resolved to continue using NETELLER as the service was otherwise excellent.

I continued to open tickets about my Maestro card while using my relative’s Mastercard up until I tried to log into my NETELLER account two weeks ago (June 2 or so) and was informed that my password was incorrect. Gosh darn it! Really! My account’s password was changed? Whoops, now I’ve tried to log in one too many times and now the account has been locked! Shucks. I felt worried then, really I did. I used a strong 25-digit password that contained numbers, upper and lower case letters and symbols, my secure home network and an encrypted HTTPS connection!

Oh joy! Oh wonder of wonders! I can’t get it unlocked because all my tickets go into a black hole.

Back to the present day. Here we are now on June 17. I owe NETELLER €25.89, an amount I have absolutely every desire to pay should I ever actually be able to access my account and make deposits without me resorting to bribing relatives or making long-distance calls to the American support line.

Is this email long, rambling and unprofessional? Yes, completely. It reflects my current opinion of NETELLER’s customer support. But for all of that I loved the service. It’s been nothing short of fantastic…when it worked.

Fix my account, please.

Account #: XXXXXXXXXX

Mark Grealish

by Mark -
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