in me

Trust is the sound of the soul’s last breath

(Gorgeous quote from Lord of Chaos, above)

I have disabling trust issues. I’ve been told this by family. And friends. Coworkers and associates too. By my wife and her family, friends, coworkers, and associates. And, recently, a mental health worker whose judgement I respect and trust. The problem is that while I am in no way paranoid – I don’t believe that “they are out to get me” – I do regard everybody as a potential attacker. I trust you, you hurt me.

Again: Not paranoia. There’s no conspiracy waiting in the wings to mess with me. A display of trust is the first step on a path that leads to me being hurt. This situation is based upon prior experiences. I’ve shown trust and I’ve gotten hurt for my troubles. Unfortunately this outlook becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I expect to get hurt so I self-censor, push away, offend and actively distrust to keep a distance…and wind up getting hurt.


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