Your mother is so $m that $n occurs

  • Your mother is so fat that the hypergiant star NML Cygni has her name in the second line of its address.
  • Your mother is so fat that if she were a ISO 1216 standard sheet of paper, her size would be A-10.
  • Your mother is so fat that if she were a metropolitan statistical area, she would be classed as an ecumenopolis.
  • Your mother is so fat that she could be used as a counterweight for an equatorial skyhook.
  • Your mother is so fat that if she were a triangle the sum of her vertices would be 200°.
  • Your mother is so fat that if she were a circle, the ratio of her diameter to her circumference would be 28/7.
  • Your mother is so fat that her jiggling is weakly anticausal.
  • Your mother is so fat that watching light cross her is casual proof of the concept of simultaneity.
  • Your mother is so fat that any hotel she stays at can henceforth boast a sea view.
  • Your mother is so fat that she is Earth’s deterrent against Yog-Sothoth, Lurker at the Threshold.
  • Your mother is so fat that she can make sound in a vacuum.
  • Your mother is so fat that her Russian holiday entered history as the Tunguska Event.
  • Your mother is so fat that if set A={your mother}, then |A|=∞
  • Your mother is so stupid that she successfully divided by zero.
  • Your mother is so stupid that she thought ROT13 was a fungal infection.
  • Your mother is so fat that she won in an accretion contest with VY Canis Majoris.
  • Your mother is so fat that she is a superset of the universe.
  • Your mother is so stupid that she believes the inverse square root is a step dance.
  • Your mother is so fat that she could form the adjacent side of a parsec.
  • Your mother is so fat that the total number of her possible lexicographic permutations is infinite.
  • Your mother is so fat that is she were a point mass she would have a radius.
  • Your mother is so fat that if she were a planetary orbit, she would have an eccentricity of 0.
  • Your mother is so fat that when she was last weighed she broke the Planck scale.
  • Your mother is so fat that her bra is an example of non-Euclidean geometry.
  • Your mother is so fat that she can be found on a Hertzsprung-Russell diagram.
  • Your mother is so fat that if she appeared in Firefly, she would be Serenity.
  • Your mother is so fat that if she were a Cylon, she would be a basestar.
  • Your mother is so fat that she doesn’t have a vanishing point when viewed in perspective.
  • Your mother is so fat that ‘ballistic throw weight‘ is also a measure of her bra’s carrying capacity.
  • Your mother is so fat that she has Lagrange points.
  • Your mother is so stupid that she thought “orbital eccentricity” was another way of calling someone gay.
  • Your mother is so stupid that she thought “LaPlace resonance was a fancy foreign restaurant.
  • Your mother is so stupid that she thought mass equivalence was a cross-faith Sunday service.
  • Your mother is so stupid that she thought special relativity was a television show about incest.
  • Your mother is so fat that Hans Zimmer composed her ringtone.
  • Your mother is so fat that your mother is so fat that the mere mention of her in a conversation can cause recursion.
  • Your mother is so fat that she has her own public IPv4 block.
  • Your mother is so fat that America built PRISM to store her email.
  • Your mother is so fat that you can approximate where she is by dropping a marble on the ground and watching what direction it rolls.
  • Your mother is so fat that her far side wasn’t directly imaged until 1959.
  • You mother is so fat that in Soviet Russia, she eat food.
  • Your mother is so fat that her circulatory system has been studied in order to better understand the sun’s internal convection.
  • Your mother is so fat the she is properly considered to be co-orbital with the Earth.
  • Your mother is so fat that she wasn’t allowed a helium balloon in case she fused it.
  • Your mother is so fat that she sweats metallic hydrogen.
  • Your mother is so fat that if she were a composite number, her largest factor would ≈ ∞
  • You mother is so fat that is she were a Boolean value, she would have at least six states.
  • Your mother is so fat that Arthur Eddington first tested Einstein’s theory of special relativity by watching her eclipse the sun.
  • Your mother is so fat that accurate calculation of her weight is considered a modern-day test of P = NP.
  • Your mother is so fat that hypergiant core collapse was modelled on her sitting down.
  • Your mother is so fat that she has a theoretical Chandrasekhar limit.
  • Your mother is so fat that she caught Kessler syndrome.
  • Your mother is so fat that “your mother” is the etymological root of “kwisatz haderach.”
  • Your mother is so fat the the disparity between her projected rotation and observed rotation can only be reconciled if dark matter is present in great quantities.
  • Your mother is so fat that if she were a binary octet, she would have nine bits.
  • Your mother is so fat that the Local Group of galaxies is considered to be an exception to the cosmological principle.
  • Your mother is so fat that she has been directly blamed for the scarcity of lighter elements in the inner solar system.
  • Your mother is so fat that on a cosmological scale she is believed to be a counterbalancing force for the Great Attractor.
  • Your mother is so fat that she is suspected to be the reason that stars in the Orion arm are strongly blueshifted.
  • Your mother is so fat that particle detectors at the LHC have to account for her bearing and distance during operation.
  • Your mother is so fat that Galactica’s CAP mistook her for an incoming basestar.

A proposal for an experiment

I have noticed that many Irish Catholics bless themselves when in proximity to, or otherwise pass a church. I conjecture it is down to one of two effect, but I cannot tell which it might be through casual observation alone:

  1. There exists a spiritual inverse-square law. Every time you halve your distance to the church, your blessing becomes four times more effective.
  2. There is a religious Oberth effect. Put simply, your prayer will have a proportionally greater effect if you are in motion perpendicular to the church and at the point of the closest approach, than if you are at rest, or moving away.

I therefore propose two series of experiments:

  1. A test for a spiritual inverse square law. We find some devout Catholics, and have them bless themselves at regular and decreasing distances to the church. We can then measure how blessed they feel immediately thereafter, and determine if such a spiritual law exists.
  2. More exciting from the viewpoint of laypeople who enjoy kinetically high-energy events, we perform blessings at delineated and ever-increasing speeds perpendicular to the designated chapel, and then measure feelings of blessedness, to see if a “religious gravity assist” exists.

I will require a devout Catholic, a ruler, a car, a clipboard, and a denominationally-neutral assistant to record findings. Light refreshments will be provided at the conclusion of the experiments.




Weird

I’m using a fire, among the oldest of human technologies (say a good half million years?) while I upload files to my wife’s website using the Internet, one of our most recent (20 years).