Merry Christmas

in me


It’s December 28, 2012. My brain has been switched off since approximately September 25. Between then and now I’ve gone through, oh gods, a lot. Enough that it’s easier to use bullet points:

  1. Three or four outright suicidal spells. Hopelessness, immediate death wish, and pondering the best way to go. It was a toss up between slitting my wrists and hanging.
  2. At least ten manic outbursts. Self-loathing, self-mutilation, and property destruction.
  3. I reflected a lot on the years gone and saw my own failures, more and more. Wrote a long, heartfelt letter to Mariah to apologize for all my wrongs since the dawn of time. Wrapped it around a brick of dark chocolate and mailed it off on December 17. As of now, it either hasn’t arrived, or it is in the bin.
  4. Spoke to my doctor about my mental health on two occasions. He has been a fairly useless shiton the whole. “You need therapy, and I won’t prescribe antidepressants.”
  5. There were moments – recent and desperate – when I would have taken any pill handed to me, just to make the bad stuff in my head stop.
  6. Had four appointments with a counsellor on the college campus. She helped me through some of my worst moments, but I am just not convinced of the long-term benefits to her approach. She sits, she nods, she agrees, she sympathises. I feel like I have a lot going on under the surface, more than just depression and stress from my dead marriage; I need a confrontational interlocutor to attack me, and excavate these skeletons.
  7. RE: The above. A lot of this stems from my childhood. I’m sure of that. My insecurity, deep dislike of crowds, and preference for my own company stems from being bullied.
  8. I stopped talking to my family – mother, brother, and sister. I can’t give you one specific reason why; it’s a nebulous mishmash of different things. I felt happier when I did not talk to them, so I stopped.
  9. I went to class for the first two weeks of the semester, crashed, stopped. I’m going to fail the January exams. Kinda fucked there. Yay.
  10. World of Warcraft is the perfect thing for those days or months when I don’t want to think. I feel like dad. He had drink for his demons. I have a video game.
  11. Bad dreams. I keep dreaming about the kids, and other men raising Garrett and Caira. Every night. Sucks.
  12. Lots of regret and anger over the kids. I had this chance to do something different than my dad, and I fucked it up in every way possible.
  13. Nicole pushed me toward Buddhism (aptly) firmly but gently. I watched this last night. Some great points about a need to just let go, and find your own way without baggage. Also talked a lot about material that Frank Herbert filched for his fictional religions in Dune, so there were many moments of déjà vu.
  14. Christmas was spent alone, a happy, sad fact. Didn’t want to be around anyone, got what I wanted, and felt bad for it, when mum had to deal with Jennifer and Joe’s traditional Christmas Eve fight.


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