I have spent the past six months hiding from my responsibilities, family, friends, college, and classmates. If you a friend or family member, you know why I crashed, you will understand why I’ve been contact-adverse, and you may also have seen me at my worst, or near enough. What you haven’t seen is the procrastination, and my complete refusal to engage myself in anything in case I failed. I had a pretty solid logic backing this:
- I applied myself, I failed, I hurt everyone I love in my life, and I was hurt.
- In my hurt, I observed a pattern of attempt-fail-hurt.
- Ergo, if I do not ever apply myself, or engage in activities, I will never get hurt.
It’s worked just fine for half a year, but this isn’t a sustainable response to my hurt. My lease runs out in a month, I dislike Sligo, and I have to show some kind of return for my time at college before the end of the summer. I am supposed to be a software engineer-in-nappies; but I made my last commit to Flyatron in late August 2012, and I haven’t touched the code since. Any code since then, for that matter. CSS doesn’t count. If anything, I’ve gone in the opposite direction by dipping my toes into various creative works, and by smashing other players in a video game with every single erg of rage I possess. Stuff from the heart, not from the brain.
It is procrastination and pointless wankery of the highest order, even if those works felt good. At the end of it, I still have to deal with my multiple failures. I need to look forward, decide on something, and follow it. Goals:
- Speak to the kids, or, at the least, Garrett.
- Find somewhere to live in Galway.
- Find work in Galway.
Sligo, you’re a gorgeously beautiful part of Ireland, but you have nothing in the way of amenities, or people I want to talk to. I enjoyed the isolation of Cliffoney, but I’ve been going stir-crazy since September gone. I soured you last summer.