Real fucking salsa

If there’s one thing I can owe to my wife Mariah, it is my perverse love of obscenely fucking hot pan-Mexican (Tex-Mex, Cali, etcetera, etcetera.) food. Good, hot salsa and corn chips is a particular favourite. Unfortunately all of the salsa sold in supermarkets here in Ireland is basically pisswater. Doritos “Hot” Salsa, I am looking at you here. Piss. Water. Sweet, disgustingly chunky and about as hot as a typical August afternoon here in Cliffoney.

I feel it is my moral duty to share the recipe for Mariah’s Real Fucking Salsa with you, Ireland. I weep inside for those of you like my mother, a woman who almost choked and died after accidentally ingesting a jalapeño seed. No, really. She was gagging and red-faced. You need real heat. As I am not a foodie beyond thoroughly enjoying the consumption of it, I shall keep my instructions simple.

You need:

  1. Three plump, ripe red tomatoes.
  2. Two garlic cloves (the individual cloves, not the whole garlic).
  3. Half of a white red onion.
  4. One heaped teaspoon of salt.
  5. One tablespoon of lime juice.
  6. Cilantro. Stem and all.
  7. One scotch bonnet pepper.

Dice the onion, cut the tomato into threes and place all of the ingredients into a food processor. Mariah tells me the lime juice adds flavour and preserves the salsa and the salt helps draw the water out of the tomatoes.

Please for the love of the gods exercise the utmost care when you handle a scotch Bonnet. Wear gloves. Thoroughly scrub the cutting board and knife after you are done. The scotch bonnet is quite literally one of the hottest ([[Trinidad_Scorpion_Butch_T_pepper|usably hot]]) peppers on Earth: A mature scotch bonnet peppercorn will score upwards of 350,000 on the [[Scoville scale]]. In typical Caribbean and African cuisine, the seeds of the scotch bonnet are discarded due to their heat. Only the skin is actually used in food. In my salsa I use the entire scotch bonnet, seeds and all. If this seems excessive, you can very carefully open the scotch bonnet and discard the seeds. Add the pepper’s skin along with a full jalapeño or habanero pepper for a lesser amount of heat.

Liquidize your assembled ingredients.

You can choose enjoy the salsa immediately, but I recommend that you leave fridge for a few hours to settle. This brings the flavour and the heat out. You should store the salsa in a sealed glass container.

This salsa is excruciatingly hot and well-flavoured. Use it in small amounts until you are comfortable consuming it because (and I’m completely serious) some of the side-effects of excessive ingestion include severe headache and heartburn, diarrhoea, vomiting, hiccups, stomach cramps and runny nose. It is kinda like tear gas. But by god this is some of the best salsa that you will ever enjoy.

If you make it to the Cliffony photowalk of furious thunder, I will have some available to try.

Have your say on 'Real fucking salsa'

  • Mariah on

    You forgot the handful of cilantro, stems and all (you people call it coriander). It is a pretty important flavor component – especially if you want a mild salsa (Mark’s can, seriously, kill someone). All you do is omit the habanero and add a bit more cilantro.

    For a medium version, scrape the pith and seeds from a jalapeño pepper – usually there are a couple big ones in the mixed peppers at all the markets here, they’re the biggest in the mix. I honestly can’t stand Mark’s salsa; it’s too hot to be enjoyable and I can’t swill a whole jug of milk to eat it which is how Mark stands it. If you try his salsa, have whole milk or half-and-half ready with a piece of bread to cool the burn.

  • Mark on

    I added cilantro. I have no idea how I completely forgot about it in my original post, but I’ve grandfathered it in now.

    (Thank you)

  • Mariah on

    Oh, I use red onion not white/brown onions, too. They have considerably more flavor and are much more pleasant when raw – if you do have white/brown onion on hand you may want to add in the whole onion and don’t be overly surprised if your salsa is pink and a bit foamy.

  • Andy on

    Won my local pub salsa challenge with this recipe on Monday!

    Didn’t use the cilantro stems, but did use three habanero in place of the scotch bonnet. The juice of a whole lime. Five cloves of garlic. Red onion.

    Many thanks.

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