This was my hypothetically conjectured yesterday:
This was my empirically observed yesterday:
It has been a quarter of a year since May. A full season of three months! In May I started a major on- and offline panic because I openly discussed hanging myself before taking off for a full day to a photowalk in Clare without so much as two words of explanation to family or friends; in August I’m working along with 091 Labs, actually leaving my house to meet people and receiving politely worded rejection letters from employers, instead of a frosty and discouraging silence.
There have been a few setbacks on the road. Yesterday was one such.
I arrived into the Labs with the noble intention of working on Sunday’s talk, Writing Light and catching up with my blogs. After pushing out updates regarding September’s Galway photowalk, I hunkered down at the workstation and played World of Warcraft for an eight solid hours. I wasn’t trying to shirk my obligations or even just plain procrastinate: I just felt absolutely no desire to do anything more straining than to stare at a wall for the day. I logged into Arthas, made some small GUI tweaks and ran instances from 6pm until a little shy of 3am this morning, after a break to go home at midnight and chance sleeping.
Yes: I left. Went home to bed. Tried to sleep. Couldn’t. Got up. Showered. Came back. Played for another two hours.
Take what you want and pay for it, right?
I ignored a small but very important stack of email regarding upcoming events, slept through the news that my son has his first tooth, blew off a whole bunch of online conversations and scrupulously avoided making eye-contact with everyone physically present at the Labs.
Any maybe to compound how bad I feel about it, I had four people telling me I worked too hard and deserved the break.
Can I blame medication-induced fatigue? I will anyways.
As of today, I am off Lexapro, with Lustral and Zispin tomorrow. Lexapro, bluntly, devastated my already-fragile circadian rhythm. I am typically awake half the night, wake up screaming from nightmares (sorry, mum), sleep in odd rhythms (9pm-1am, 6am-10am) and just plain come out the other side of this ungentle handling absolutely exhausted.
I hope that Lustral and Zispin will help my sleep cycle and tiredness. In the interim I’m playing catch-up on the blogs and categorically ignoring World of Warcraft thanks to the armoury app that let’s me see how much gold is waiting in my mailbox.