These are the things I do to trash talk my girlfriend

A GIF of a sandworm eating a cupcake

I couldn’t tell you how the crap this started, but suddenly trash talk about cupcakes is flying thick and fast on Facebook and I’ve been challenged to a cupcake-off at the Iveagh Gardens this summer.

I am so fucked.




Yeah, to hell with the Irish lottery

6 / 45 = 0.133333333
6 / 44 = 0.1363636363636364
6 / 43 = 0.1395348837209302
6 / 42 = 0.1428571428571429
6 / 41 = 0.1463414634146341
6 / 40 = 0.15

0.133333333 * 0.1363636363636364 * 0.1395348837209302 * 0.1428571428571429 * 0.1463414634146341 * 0.15 = 0.00000795574
= 0.00000795574 * 100000
= 0.795574

0.795574 probability of a given combination winning after one hundred thousand lottery draws.


Soul food feast

Food prep
Preamble:

Compared to the Thai curry this meal was a dream to make. I already had most of the ingredients, and I was able to (with permission) take the remainder from Alanna and Casey’s stock. Chicken-fried steak is a steak fried like a chicken, so you call it “chicken-fried” (do you see a trend here?). It’s an American/Deep South/soul food, all of which means that you take meat selection, add breacrumbs, sprinkle with spices, deep fry to satisfaction, and serve it with some kind of heavy cream.

All of the ingredients used in this meal can be handily found around Galway City. My only caveats are that I prefer fresh ingredients, and that the spices in Asiatic are cheaper (less than half the price) than the muck in Tesco and Dunnes.

This meal will feed four.

Ingredients:

The chicken-fried feast, henceforth “CFF” has four major components:

  1. The mashed potatoes
  2. The chicken-fried steak.
  3. The gravy.
  4. The bacon-fried green beans.

The carrots and onions in the top photograph were thrown in on the side for Oisin, and also because I simply had the ingredients to use up.

Mashed potatoes:

  • 4-8 rooster potatoes. How much mash you make is up to your taste and group size.
  • ~20g diced cilantro.
  • 2 diced green onion stalks.
  • 3 diced basil leaves.
  • 1 tub of butter, vegetable, or soy spread.
  • 1/2 carton of milk or yogurt.
  • 1 teaspoon of salt.

Chicken-fried steak:

  • 4 steaks. Minute steak, round steak, soy steak-whatever steak you want.
  • 3 tablespoons of sesame oil.
  • 1 tablespoon of soy sauce.
  • 1 cup of flour.
  • 2 eggs.
  • 1 tablespoon of fresh paprika.
  • 3 finely-diced garlic cloves.
  • 1 finely-diced green onion stalk.
  • 1 tablespoon of fresh ground black pepper.
  • 1 tablespoon of salt.
  • 1 tablespoon of chili pepper.
  • 1 tablespoon of sesame seeds.
  • 1/4 grated red bell pepper.

Green beans:

  • 150g of green beans.
  • 1 packet of diced bacon bits, or dice two pieces of smoked bacon.

Gravy:

  • 1/2 carton of milk.
  • 2 tablespoons of sesame oil.
  • 3 tablespoons of flour.
  • 1 tablespoon of fresh ground black pepper.
  • 1 tablespoon of salt.

Preparation:

Mashed potatoes:

  • Peel and cube the potatoes, add them to the pot, and add just enough water to cover them.
  • Bring the pot to boil on a high heat, then reduce to a low heat to simmer.
  • Check on them after about 25 minutes. Poke the potatoes with a fork. If they’re soft, they’re ready.
  • Mash, mash, mash.
  • Add the cilantro, basil, and green onion.
  • Add the butter until you have a satisfactory texture.
  • Mash, mash, mash.
  • Mash, mash, mash.
  • Dribble in milk until you reach your desired consistency.
  • Finish with the teaspoon of salt.
  • Serve.

Steaks:

  • Tenderize the steaks with either a heavy pot, or ideally a meat mallet. Not too much, though.
  • Pour 1 tablespoon of sesame oil into a bowl.
  • Add the sesame seeds, bell pepper, green onion, and garlic to a second bowl.
  • Lightly wash the steak, sprinkle on the spices, and press them in.
  • Crack the eggs into a bowl, and mix them.
  • Add the flour, paprika, black pepper, and salt to a second.
  • Dip each steak in the flour mix, then the eggs, and repeat until the steak is coated on both sides.
  • Turn a pan to a medium-to-high heat.
  • Add the soy sauce and sesame oil to the pan.
  • Fry each side for two minutes. The steak should be cooked through, and the coat a golden-brown colour without burnt flecks.
  • Serve.

Beans:

  • Fry the bacon bits on a medium heat. You want the grease, not charcoal.
  • Pop the beans into a pot, fill with water to cover, bring to a boil, and reduce to a simmer.
  • After about ten minutes, drain the beans, and add them to the pan with the bacon.
  • Stir and continue to fry.
  • Serve.

Gravy:

  • Add the oil to a pan, and bring it to a high heat.
  • Add the flour, pepper, and salt to the pan.
  • Begin to stir in the milk on a high heat.
  • Texture and thickness are your gods now.
  • Continue to add milk until the gravy mixture stir freely without lumps.
  • Serve immediately.

The final dish