With Storm Helene due to make landfall over Ireland tonight, I went up and out on my bicycle around the south city out as far as the foothills.
Tonight’s wind held the promise of autumn, dark nights, close nights when gusts cut through naked trees. Happy nights, when I go out and lose myself for an hour in the wild winds. Scouring winds whipped over bare hills and dark valley. Angry and bitter winds that fly howling into the black unknown. I can’t wait for more.
As an example of use, build tools in the Angular/Ionic toolchain make non-permanent changes to the committed config.xml file, in a way that’s super annoying to deal with. One git freeze config.xml makes the problem go away.
At last, today, it occurred to me that I haven’t been kind to myself over the past month. Two years ago I learned that I only know when I’m stressed or angry or upset are in the ways I express them. Like that I eat junk food whenever I feel stressed. There’s no feeling of stress otherwise. Since August I’ve withdrawn, pushed and punished myself with an unhealthy focused on what I haven’t accomplished.
Take my running. On Thursday I berated myself after I ran five kilometres in only 24:49, because a great time wasn’t good enough. My first logged 5k run last December, I ran 33:51. Ten minutes slower! My first run ever in 2014, 52:01. Thirty minutes slower wasn’t not good enough!
When I was in Galway last week I received some absolutely lovely remarks about how much weight I’ve lost since January. The double take and turn of the head? I got that. But that didn’t matter, because because fuck me, look at the last bit of flab I haven’t shifted yet.
There’s so much good in my life that I forget I have. I find it hard sometimes to see past the glum forever now that my damaged emotions force on me. This morning I let loose a laugh in joy from the bottom of my heart, like a knot undone. There are awesome people in my life, old and new. My son Garrett turns nine tomorrow (🎉). Next Saturday I will run the first half marathon race of my life, a run that I am read for after months of hard training. In two weeks I’ll jet off to Iceland for an awesome outdoor holiday in the land of ice and fire.
My plan for the next week is to meditate. Get out of my head, then get back into it in a better way. Cut out the shit food, then show shit people the back of me. Run and run more, run until I get back to a better place.